Je ne comptais pas partir ou fuir face à l'adversité. Non, parce que je lui ai promis que je serai là quoiqu'il arrive. Cependant, je commençais à m'énerver parce qu'il m'avait balancé des choses vraies à la figure et qu'il savait appuyer là où ça faisait mal. Et Feldt ne semblait même pas regretter tout ça. Elle avait cette amitié avec le mec qu'on est supposé détester le plus, et elle regrettait même pas. "For fuck sake I know this ok, I know if I'm here leaving with Elios it's because of him, me wanting to leave Mather House it's because of him, the gang being destroyed because of him but he was there when nobody was, he was there when I needed support the most. You can't ask me to just forget that." Et là, elle venait de m'achever, clairement. Alors ouais, je m'étais levé et j'étais prêt à partir parce que je voulais pas dire des choses que je pourrais regretter et encore moins la pousser à son tour à l'énervement parce qu'elle n'a clairement pas besoin de ça en ce moment. "Alex…please don't go…don't leave me…" me disait-elle en m'attrapant la main. Je la regardais, en colère mais je ne pouvais pas l'ignorer. Elle avait besoin de moi, je le savais. Alors je restais assez calme quand je reprenais la parole. "I've been there, I've always been there. It's just that you didn't see it. All I ever wanted was to be needed. By you, by Bri... Even Hendrix. Except that you girls find support elsewhere. It's fine, really fine. After all, I can't force you to count on me unconditionally." Elle préférait compter sur l'Eliot, tant mieux pour elle. J'arrêtais de me battre et j'acceptais une nouvelle fois la défaite. "I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you... I'm just going home cause this is too much for me and... I need to think about it, to reconsider all the things I've done."

Tu ne voulais pas qu'il soit en colere. Tu ne voulais pas qu'il parte, qu'il t'abandonne a son tour. Mais tu ne pouvais pas nier ce qu'il s'etait passé avec Andy, ca ne servait a rien de lui dire que c'etait faux, de lui mentir. Alors tu etais la a voir ton amitie avec le vide-president Mather tomber en morceaux a cause d'une decision que tu avais faite il y a plusieurs semaines. Surtout que si au depart, tu avais sympathisé avec Andy c'etait pour Briony car tu ne voulais que son bonheur a elle. Tu pouvais clairement voir la colere dans ses yeux alors qu'il te parlait. "I've been there, I've always been there. It's just that you didn't see it. All I ever wanted was to be needed. By you, by Bri... Even Hendrix. Except that you girls find support elsewhere. It's fine, really fine. After all, I can't force you to count on me unconditionally." Tu avais l'impression qu'il venait de te planter un couteau dans la poitrine, comme si a nouveau on te coupait ton souffle. Pourquoi il te disait cela? Tu pouvais sentir tes yeux embues, putain de grossesse a la con qui te rendait tellement vulnerable. Tu secouais la tete. "Why can't you just fight for our friendship then? Why can't you show how much you are here for me then fighting with Briony all the time? Why are you giving up so easily Alex? I don't understand you anymore. Is this all what our friendship meant to you? And all those things we've been through, you can't just give up." Lui dis-tu d'un ton aussi un peu enervé que tu pouvais faire avec ta voix tremblante. "I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you... I'm just going home cause this is too much for me and... I need to think about it, to reconsider all the things I've done." Tu deglutis, il allait partir. Tu commencais a trembler. Il allait te laisser la, toute seule, t'abandonner dans un sens. Tu tremblais, ton sang bouillait a l'interieur. Il abandonnait alors. Il mettait un fin a votre amitie comme ca.

Il n'était pas question d'abandonner mon amitié avec Feldt, j'y tenais trop pour ça, seulement j'avais été déçu par son comportement. Elle comptait sur Andy alors que j'avais toujours été là. J'avais depuis un moment l'étiquette du mauvais meilleur ami et ça m'lassait. J'en avais clairement marre et je voulais tout foutre en l'air. "Why can't you just fight for our friendship then? Why can't you show how much you are here for me then fighting with Briony all the time? Why are you giving up so easily Alex? I don't understand you anymore. Is this all what our friendship meant to you? And all those things we've been through, you can't just give up." Je voyais ses yeux s'embuer et ça me foutait la boule à la gorge. J'voulais pas la faire souffrir, lui faire croire que je l'abandonnais parce que c'était pas le cas. Juste, aujourd'hui, comme tous les autres jours d'avant, j'avais besoin de réfléchir à tout ça, parce qu'il était clair que c'était trop pour moi. "Fighting for what ? It's not like you're gonna give up on your friendship with the jerk just because I ask you to. Plus, I'm not giving up on our relationship Feldt, don't worry about that. It's just.. right now, I'm tired of seeing my life invaded by Andy when all I wanted was to live a normal year, with all four together. But with him in your lifes, that's not gonna happen." disais-je en haussant les épaules. Je me résignais à le voir encore et toujours dans ma vie, du moins indirectement, vu qu'il était dans les vies de mes meilleures amies. Seulement, je la voyais trembler et je commençais à m'inquiéter. "Feldt, what's wrong ?" disais-je inquiet en m'approchant d'elle un peu plus.

Why was this happening? How could it have even turned out like this? One moment all was perfect, you were all living a happy life the four of you together and the all broke to pieces, scattering all the ground with no use of repair. Nothing could be done now, you could not go back and try to repair things, they had sinken for too much into the ground to try and get them back. You looked at your best friend through your blurred eyes. This was much too painful. Your heart was crying again, and once again you had the feeling of being abandoned by those you love. "Fighting for what ? It's not like you're gonna give up on your friendship with the jerk just because I ask you to. Plus, I'm not giving up on our relationship Feldt, don't worry about that. It's just.. right now, I'm tired of seeing my life invaded by Andy when all I wanted was to live a normal year, with all four together. But with him in your lifes, that's not gonna happen." The fact that he called Andy a jerked actually pissed you off, because if it wasn't for him, you might not even have this conversation. Yeah he was a jerk, he was everything we despised but he also had a good and weak side that he didn't show to everybody. "He's not a jerk. He saved my life, I can't just pretend he never did anything. And we both know the four of us will never happen, it's over and as hard as it seems, we have to move on." You were nearly yelling at him. Why did he constantly stay in the past? You had been the same, holding on the gang, to Wyatt, but now, after having lived a month with Elios, you had slowly managed to move on and forget. You started to shake. This was affecting you way too much, as always actually. "Feldt, what's wrong ?" You nodded, catching your breath after having small pain in your stomach. "It's nothing. It's just a beginning of a panic attack." Your phobia was stepping in again, that feat of being left behind, of being abandoned, it will always be there.

Sur l'énervement, je préférais m'en aller oui, seulement je n'avais aucunement envie de lui montrer une nouvelle fois qu'elle était abandonnée. Non, ce n'était pas le but initial, surtout avec tout ce qu'elle avait vécu. Mais je devais m'éloigner encore, parce que j'arrivais pas à supporter tout ça. Elle faisait ami-ami avec un homme qu'on était supposé mépriser. Il m'avait déjà piqué une meilleure amie et il était en train de piquer l'autre. Comment rester calme après tout ça. "He's not a jerk. He saved my life, I can't just pretend he never did anything. And we both know the four of us will never happen, it's over and as hard as it seems, we have to move on." Je soupirais, et voilà qu'elle aussi prenait sa défense. Mais qu'est-ce qu'il avait hein ? Qu'est-ce qu'il avait pour toutes les attirer comme un aimant ? "He's a jerk. But I guess you're blind, cuz you agreed with me before. And sorry but I can't resign myself about that. I don't want to move on. If only that guy you and Briony love so much get ouf of our lives, maybe the four of us will be back. It's only up to you." Cependant, pendant qu'on parlait en disant nos points de vue respectifs, elle se mit à se sentir mal et je m'étais tout de suite inquiété pour elle, comme toujours. "It's nothing. It's just a beginning of a panic attack." Je fronçais les sourcils en restant à ses côtés, lui proposant de s'appuyer sur moi si besoin est. "You're sure ? It doesn't look like one. Need a bag to breathe ?" Ouais, les crises de panique sont souvent calmées quand on respire dans un sac. Alors si ça pouvait aider, forcément que je proposais.

"He's a jerk. But I guess you're blind, cuz you agreed with me before. And sorry but I can't resign myself about that. I don't want to move on. If only that guy you and Briony love so much get ouf of our lives, maybe the four of us will be back. It's only up to you."Why did we even have this conservation? Alex just didn't seem to understand what you were trying to say. First, you never said Andy was a jerk at least not since you learned to know him netter. There are just to many prejudice about people, and maybe Andy was a jerk and a dick, but he was also a nice person when you started to know him better. He cares about the people he loves and he also has his demons that he is fighting. You let out a sigh before answering your best friend, nearly shouting at him. "For fuck sake, STOP IT. I'm not blind, I know he can be a real jerk, and a fucking dick, but it doesn't change the fact that if I'm here alive it's thanks to him so I can't just pretend and hate him for that. Yes if he didn't mess up with Briony, we would still be all together, but we can't change anything. They're never gonna be together again. And I don't love him, I just appreciate him. Am I not allowed that?" You really didn't understand your best friend. Why was he being picky and stupid about all that? Suddenly, the pain came again. It didn't seem normal. You were shacking and not just a bit. Alex approached making sure you were ok. "You're sure ? It doesn't look like one. Need a bag to breathe ?" You shook your head. You tried to catch your breath while another short pain flew in. What the hell was happening? "I don't know. I'm just feeling really unwell right now and I've got this pain in my stomach…it really hurts." You never had that before, not this strong, and not this frequent.

"For fuck sake, STOP IT. I'm not blind, I know he can be a real jerk, and a fucking dick, but it doesn't change the fact that if I'm here alive it's thanks to him so I can't just pretend and hate him for that. Yes if he didn't mess up with Briony, we would still be all together, but we can't change anything. They're never gonna be together again. And I don't love him, I just appreciate him. Am I not allowed that?" Je m'énervais tout seul et c'était pas bon. Je devais partir d'ici avant de dire ou faire des choses que je pourrais regretter par la suite. Je la regardais, tentant de garder du calme mais c'était très compliqué, vraiment très compliqué. "You know what ? Forget it, I shouldn't have come in a first place. You're right, this is none of my business, but the fact is that I'm hurt. Neither of Briony or you can get it. But it's fine. It's not like I've spent all summer by myself." Oui, j'avais été blessé au début de l'été par toute cette histoire et j'avais fini par m'isoler et me sentir seul, abandonné. Personne ne semble l'avoir compris. Mais en voyant ma meilleure amie commencer à souffrir, je m'étais stoppé net, préférant m'inquiéter pour elle plutôt que continuer notre engueulade. "I don't know. I'm just feeling really unwell right now and I've got this pain in my stomach…it really hurts." Je me sentais concerné parce qu'il s'agissait peut-être d'une des complications de la grossesse et ça pouvait être ma faute. Putain, je faisais tout de travers, merde! "It looks like it's around the babies, no ? It definitly doesn't look like a panic attack. But don't worry, I'm here, I don't leave you." Autant la rassurer jusqu'au bout. Surtout que c'était vrai, je n'allais pas la quitter, c'était hors de question.

"You know what ? Forget it, I shouldn't have come in a first place. You're right, this is none of my business, but the fact is that I'm hurt. Neither of Briony or you can get it. But it's fine. It's not like I've spent all summer by myself." What the hell? Why did he say this? Of course you cared that he was hurt. He knew he was. Yes you had been getting a lot closer to Andy and the reason you never told anybody was exactly to avoid such reactions. It was just way to ridiculous. "I know you're hurt and I'm really sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I just needed to talk to somebody else and I haven't felt myself belonging to the group for the summer, so what do you want me to do? Just pretend that I'm fine with all your crisis and fighting with Briony and I would just talk to you about how bad and alone I felt?" Why did you have to say this over and over for him to understand? No idea but it really pissed you off and not just a bit. "It looks like it's around the babies, no ? It definitly doesn't look like a panic attack. But don't worry, I'm here, I don't leave you." You could fell your heart accelerate in your chest and the pain in your stomach growing a lot stronger. You nodded to your best friend's words. Suddenly, there was a long sharp pain that went running through your lower back into your stomach. "Don't leave. It really hurts…I can't breath anymore…" You tried speaking will holding onto Alex. This was such a nightmare, and the pain started to mix into an actual panic attack of not knowing what was going on.

"I know you're hurt and I'm really sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I just needed to talk to somebody else and I haven't felt myself belonging to the group for the summer, so what do you want me to do? Just pretend that I'm fine with all your crisis and fighting with Briony and I would just talk to you about how bad and alone I felt?" Elle comprenait pas vraiment ce que je disais, parce que jamais je lui demandais de prétendre quoique ce soit, cependant, j'étais rassuré que quelque part, elle savait que j'allais mal et c'était un bon point. "Why do you think I ran away to Cuba ? I didn't feel like belonging to the group too ! But.. the thing is that you chose Andy to talk to. Not me, not Hendrix. That says that you pull yourself out of the group... And just so you know, things are getting better with Briony, but it's not like it does matter now." Elle avait abandonné l'idée que les choses aillent mieux entre nous quatre donc elle devait s'en foutre clairement que Briony et moi faisions des efforts pour parler sans s'engueuler. "Don't leave. It really hurts…I can't breath anymore…" Je la tenais et je la laissais me tenir, même qu'elle souffrait énormément vu comment elle serrait fort. Mais je ne disais rien et je me contentais d'être là comme support. "I'm not leaving, I'm here !" J'attrapais mon portable et j'composais le numéro des urgences. "Allo, yeah. My friend is seven months pregnant and she's in lots of pain. (...) Around the stomach apparently. And she can't breath. (...) Harvard Square, a villa, I'll give you the exact address. Thanks." Je raccrochais et je me tournais vers Feldt. "They're coming and they'll bring you yo the hospital. They guess you're in labor but they'll know when they see you."

"Why do you think I ran away to Cuba ? I didn't feel like belonging to the group too ! But.. the thing is that you chose Andy to talk to. Not me, not Hendrix. That says that you pull yourself out of the group... And just so you know, things are getting better with Briony, but it's not like it does matter now." This conversation was going nowhere and there was pretty much no use of trying to explain your reasons to Alex. You were shacking and really pissed at your bestfriend. Why did you have to justify yourself for something you had done and that had not really affected anything, until he discovered it. You were going to just never mentioned it, but of course things had escalated as always. Nothing ever changed. "I choose him 'cause I needed somebody else to talk to. You were the first one I told about my depressions, you were one of the first persons I've ever opened up in my life, don't forget that. I just needed something else, somebody that could understand, cause you can't really understand what it feels like." Maybe that was to harsh but it didn't change anything. The situation was escalating even more with the pain in your stomach getting worse and worse. You couldn't breath anymore and everything was just horrible. Alex hold onto you, and every time a sort of contraction came you skwezed onto him and a bit to strong maybe. He rang 911 and you really wished that this a nightmare. "They're coming and they'll bring you yo the hospital. They guess you're in labor but they'll know when they see you." What what? No no! You shook your head, tears starting to fall. "I can't…it can't be…it's too early.. I can't go in labour now…" and then that excruciating pain again, you let out a sharp scream wanting this pain to disappear forever.