Since our last sms, I didn't stop to think about Briony. About us, and about Alexander. He was the one that separated us, by pushing Bri to take drugs again  while he knews she was trying to stop. Clearly, I wanted to kill him and I would probably do if I would see him in the corridors. But there was something else now. I was back with Apple for two days. I was in the public park Cambridge Common, set on a bench and waiting for Briony. I asked her to come to see me, cellphone in my hand and telling her where I was. Where were we going ? What would she says upon hearing about Apple and I ? I would lie by saying I wasn't afraid of her reaction. She was important to me, I loved her too and... She also asked me a second chance. Everything was definitely too complicated... Isn't it possible for earth to stop spinning ? Looking up, I looked for her, eyes sweeping the park.

Well. Birds (PIOU PIOU *baf*) were singing, the sky was blue and everything seemed to be ready for spending a good day. But not. Since a week, i couldn't just describe my feelings about my life, about my friends, about my family.. It's a fuckin mess and all nights, i was doing the same nightmare: me, alone, crying for someone in a forest and dying. Oh no, i just forget a detail. Some people's looking at me, laughing at me while i'm crying. That's horrible as a dream and every morning, i'm afraid, my heart's beating a lot when i wake up. Fortunately (don't judge me, please) Feldt wasn't still at home and i could cry, without someone who can see me and have pity for me. All i just hate. I can be strong. I can be strong. I can be strong. It's good to have this idea in head, it can be a good therapy, i agree with myself. *pan* But in reality, without Andy, especially him, i can't do anything. Same situation with Alex, with Feldt, with Hendrix. They're all away from me, they can't hear my sos, i'm alone. Andy sent me a message, one hour ago, something like that, i don't know, for asking me to join him in Cambridge Common. In the night of the housing day, we talked about us about what we will going to do in the future, if he can trust me again, you see ? And today it's the d-day, of the real conversation. haha. I'm totally stressed, i have no idea about what he wanted to say to me.. i was frightened. But i was here, at time. Right away, i saw him, setting on a bench, looking.. for me ? Aw. I walked in his direction, making a little grimace before smiling a little bit. I was happy to see him actually, i loved him so much you know. It's been one week, or more, i didn't count, juste terrible without him, after our separation. It's our last chance today.. ? Hi..

All alone in this part of the park, I was lost in my thoughts, wondering what I would say to Briony... even just to tell her hello. Our relationship was so weird, I didn't know what to do when I was in front of her. She had a certain power on myself and I wasn't comfortable with the idea of ​​talking to her. She was my second love. The second woman I would probably die for. Life seemed so unique with Briony by my side but something had change, something was broken since I saw the drug in her room. What was I supposed to do ? Forgive her ? Hit Alexander ? I stopped everything but I couldn't deny I was terribly missing her. My heart pounded faster when I saw her walking towards me, holding my breath. I straightened, pinching my lips. Hi... Too much had happen between us. I remembered about her dead family. How do you feel ? Just, please, don't lie Briony, I know you enough right now to know you're not okay. I hate the fact you touched drugs again but I don't ignore why you gave away. Culpability was my closest friend each time I was thinking about the Mather House ex-president, I knew since the beginning she was in a hard moment of her life but I left her, that's probably my worst mistake in our couple. Yeah, couple. Even if I told to Apple I wasn't Briony's boyfriend, that doesn't change the fact I though to move in her flat. I was her boyfriend. Just a secret one.

What will I say when I'll be in front of Andy ? I really don't know. When I'm with the eliot.. i can explain why but I lost my words. Actually, I think that my friends could guess if they see our couple on day (we can dream) that i'm not Briony with him. Because.. When I'm spending my time with Alex, Keyla or even Feldt, I really can say what I want when I want. That's absolutely not the same situation with Andy. Because I don't allow myself to speak about drugs, gays, politic, war between houses in Harvard.. Thoses stuffs which can continue with a verbal fight. huhu. If i can avoid it, i will do that. But.. i'm still Briony, you know ? I'm still impulsive, malicious, generous (huhu), annoying, weak also.. i'm totaly myself. Just a lit bit censured. They don't have any rights to say that I'm changing for him. No rights. I will always be Briony, that's all. And that is this fact exactly which is the problem. Because of my personality, we broke up. One time. Two time. Another one ? I hope no. I need him, i can't deny him, i missed him a lot during our separation.. How do i make him understand.. ?Hi... I looked down at the flood for a moment. My heart ached. He just said hi.. omg. I'm so weak with Andy.. How do you feel ? Is it a real question ? I laughed nervously before looking into his eyes. His beautiful eyes.. Why didn't he kiss me.. ? Why I am not yet in his arms ? I'm not.. very well.. what about you ? I was honest, be the same please Andy.

I was driving crazy, there's nothing else to say. I was in love with two women, lost both of them and had a chance to get them back both again. Or kind of, actually... I wasn't so sure that Briony wouldn't change her mind by knowing about Apple and I. Even if at the beginning she just was my secret lover, time changed everything and she probably wouldn't like to be the eternal second lover... I was married and I will still be. My heart was beating very fast while Briony answered me, telling me she wasn't fine. I never doubt about that and oddly I was reassured by the fact she didn't lie. I already felt better in my life. She's been honest with me, I had to do the same, even if that was really hard to admit. I pinched my lips again, lost in her eyes. I would love to kiss her, to hold her in my arms but I was curbing myself, thinking it wouldn't be correct. I'm sorry, I really was busy those last days, mmh... I cleared the throat, and added : So... Alexander admitted he wanted us to break up and gave you drugs for that. Okay. Here we are Briony, let's talk. I felt like my head was going to explode. That conversation seemed innocent but... I knew everything would depend on it. All of my relationship with Bri, all of our potential future was in our hands right now...

Tout était hors-de-contrôle dans ma vie maintenant. T'façon, j'savais depuis un ptit moment que j'aurai pas de happy ending, que j'pourrais jamais être en couple, que j'étais pas faite pour être heureuse, pour avoir des amis. J'fais tout foirer. Et c'était limite si je ne partais pas pessimiste pour cette discussion avec Andy. Je l'aime. Je l'aime vraiment très fort et il se rendra sûrement jamais compte de l'ampleur de mes sentiments. Pourtant, ils sont bien là et réels. Mais est-ce que ça suffirait à nous faire tenir ? On allait droit dans l'mur, on l'avait bien compris la semaine dernière. Est-ce que ça vaut le coup encore ? Oui. Pour moi, c'était clair et net. J'avais besoin de lui, j'me voyais mal devoir jouer mon rôle d'ennemie avec Andy, maintenant que j'le connaissais, lui et ses faiblesses. J'voulais pas de cette situation entre nous. I already felt better in my life. J'acquiesçais doucement en l'entendant dire ça. Il était pas épargné par la vie lui aussi et j'regrettais maintenant de n'être pas revenue sur le sujet Keanu depuis l'temps, ni celui de sa dépression, ni rien en fait. Égoïstement, j'avais voulu que nos moments -rares- ensemble soient les plus beaux et joyeux possibles. I'm sorry, I really was busy those last days, mmh... Je ne dis rien, le laissant parler encore, plongée dans ses yeux que je ne pouvais pas quitter. Occupé, vraiment ? On avait toujours réussi à s'voir quand on l'souhaitait vraiment, c'est tout ce que j'pense. Il avait voulu m'éviter, c'tout. So... Alexander admitted he wanted us to break up and gave you drugs for that. J'baissa les yeux avant de relever le regard, observant les arbres derrière Andy. That's right. And he's not sorry at all. Il avait bien réussi son coup. I did the worst thing to do with his "gift", you know ? But i won't do that again.. i swear. J'allais tenir cette promesse, qu'importe ce qui s'passe. Je plongea mon regard dans celui de l'Eliot. Do you really think that i'm like the others ? Que j'étais qu'une droguée lambda, sans potentiel, sans envie de m'en sortir.

Briony seemed to not be convinced by the fact I was occupied lastly. I finally talked about the sore subject. Alexander, and our rupture. I swallowed hard by seeing Briony looking at the trees behind me, probably avoiding my eyes. I still was looking at her in my case, unable to take my eyes off Briony. She was so beautiful, so wonderful, so... everything. Godness, sometimes I feel afraid when I realize how much I love her. I looked down to her lips while she was speaking, swearing she wouldn't do the same mistake again. How can you be so sure Briony ? How can you swear you won't drug you ever ? You already gave me your word and you failed. I was nervous right right now, shaking my head from left to the right. Of course you're not like the others. Because I love you and that change everything. Everything. Even if Anya can't deal with it, it's what it is and no-one could change that, not even me, even if I tried last week. I know he's your best friend. Or you call him best friend, even if I think he's the worst best friend that ever lived on earth. You're angry with him but... I bit my lip, searching for my words. I know that you'll still forgive him, because that's what best friends do. We're not saved... He will never like me, and I will never like him too. So what should we do Briony ? Take our chance, wait and see if he won't drug you again or do something else for separating us another time ?

Oui, j'refaisais cette promesse. Encore une fois. En espérant que ça serait la bonne. Mais ça, j'le sentais, vous savez ? J'arrivais enfin à moins sentir la dépendante, à m'dire que j'pourrais survivre sans avoir ma dose. J'étais à un stade où j'me sentais capable d'aller de l'avant. Oui, personne n'était avec moi alors que c'était un moment super dur de mon existance. Mais malgré tout, j'me trouverais bien un truc pour m'empêcher de penser à la drogue. Chais pas, j'ferai doodle jump ou une autre connerie dans ce style. Pour m'occuper l'esprit. J'dois apprendre à être moins avec les autres, indépendante. How can you be so sure Briony ? J'me mordis la lèvre et soupira. Bien, comment est-ce que j'peux tourner mes pensées pour qu'il me comprenne, sans faire tout foirer.. ? Because, last time, when I said I won't take anymore drugs, I wasn't so in love with you as today.. Les drogues, c'est le truc qui nous fait rompren, c'est le truc que j'dois absolument contrôler. And.. I think I had to drug me one more time, just for see that I don't need drugs anymore. I don't want to drugs me in the future, even if my body don't guess the same thing as my mind. J'avais dû me prouver à moi-même que la drogue ne me servait à rien à d'autres qu'avoir des ennuis, j'arrivais à prendre de la distance petit à petit. Il faut faire des erreurs pour avancer. Of course you're not like the others. Je ne pus retenir un léger soupir en entendant Andy dire ça. Parce que si y a bien un truc dans notre rupture qui m'avait fait mal.. ça avait été qu'il me sorte que j'étais qu'une putain de junkie. Rien de plus. I know he's your best friend. Yop, c'est vrai.. mais ça ne l'excuse en rien ça. You're angry with him but... I know that you'll still forgive him, because that's what best friends do. We're not saved... Mon coeur se serrait. C'est vrai.. J'reviendrais toujours vers Alexander, j'serai capable de faire un tas de choses pour retrouver notre amitié. But I won't forgive him today. Or next week. What he did it's.. J'passa une main dans mes cheveux, avant d'enlever les larmes qui commençaient à naître aux bords de mes yeux, rapidement. If Alex don't accept who I am, I can do anything for him. He didn't understand that I'm weak since the death of my family and I needed him, my best friends and you Andy. And if he don't want to help me, to accept you, okay, I fed up with that. Bonjour, j'arrive pas à m'exprimer. He's still my best friend but I won't take drugs anymore from him.

I clearly couldn't imagine how she really felt in front of the drug, I wasn't sure to understand what she was explaining. She needed a last dose to be sure she didn't want to drug herself again... ? Man, that's weird. Some king of thing a junkie, probably. I only shrugged, without saying anything. I wasn't sure to understand deeply her words so, maybe that's better I don't say a word. I didn't want to take the risk of hurting her. I talked to her about Alexander, sharing my mind, the fact she won't stay angry with him... What about me ? She reproached me to give up against Alexander but... Do I really have a chance ? Just a little ? That was the real question, because... Losing myself in her eyes, I kept silence for a second before answering her : Yeah. Maybe. But it's not the only problem. What the fuck, Briony. He went to drug you, that's the kind of best friend that have no pity to give you an ultimatum. And what if he promise you to keep you away from drugs if you leave me ? I asked, folding one's arms. I'm not stupid Bri, I won't come back if I know he has the power to push me away. If this is him or I, what would be the answer ? In my case, I would never ask Bri to do a choice between us if he stops stupid things like drugging her. All I ever wanted was Bri's happiness, I only would want him far away if he's not good for her. But if he's, I wouldn't do anything, I would deal with it... But if he doesn't ? If he ask her to choose ? I didn't want to be the loser in that story. That's not how it should be. I felt my heart beating faster and harder, fearing the answer. I didn't want to lose her definitly.

J'sais pas vraiment comment expliquer ma relation avec la drogue. J'savais que c'était mal d'en reprendre et j'en avais tout sauf envie. Mais des fois, il faut vaincre le mal par le mal, vous voyez ? Il faut faire ses propres erreurs pour pouvoir avancer. J'en avais fait une et j'avais bien compris que c'était vraiment pas à refaire. Ptete que je me re-droguerai un jour, personne le sait. Mais croyez-moi, ça ne sera pas consentant. Vraiment pas. Par la suite, Andy évoqua Alex.. Mon meilleur ami, mon frère, celui avec qui j'me sentais le mieux après Andy & Hendrix. Oui, j'vais lui pardonner parce que j'suis qu'une pauvre débile et parce que j'comprends ses raisons. Il voulait pas m'perdre et faisait tout pour m'avoir à nouveau. C'est touchant. Mais il avait pas à l'faire de cette façon. Surtout qu'il avait osé me confier que si c'était à refaire, il hésiterait pas. Bâtard. Yeah. Maybe. But it's not the only problem. J'fis une petite moue en entendant ça. Mais y a tellement de problèmes dans notre relation putain, si en plus faut que les autres se ramènent et en rajoutent. And what if he promise you to keep you away from drugs if you leave me ? Mmh. Tu vas loiin dans le sado-masochisme en te posant de telles questions Andy. Elle est même pas logique j'trouve. En fait, cette promesse.. ça serait "Ouai, j'te promets de plus jamais te droguer si tu quittes Andy" c'est ça le truc ? Eeeh, bad idea. Je déglutis avec difficulté, comme depuis le début de cette discussion. Si en arrivant, j'avais eu peur de plonger mon regard dans celui d'Andy, désormais ce n'était pu l'cas. Did you really say "if he promise you to keep you away from drugs" ? But he's the one who drugged me Andy. He can't threatened me by this way.. I don't understand your idea.. But if you wanted to tell me "what do you gonna do if he gives you an ultimatum between me and him ?" my answer would have been.. you.. Why ? Because you didn't hurt me like him.. he's still my best friend but he's silly currently. Et je t'aime. Est-ce que toi tu m'aimes ? Est-ce que toi tu penses qu'on peut encore être ensemble ? Are you afraid about the power of Alexander on me ?