It’s always when I think my life is getting better, that I can finally taste some happiness, that something comes in and takes it away. I guess it’s just how life works. I was happy, or some kind of happy. I mean, I wasn’t as depressed anymore by Elios leaving me. I managed to get back in touch with my best friend, though at the same time fighting with my other best friend for what he did to her. It never has been easy these last couple of years, but I was getting better at appreciating what I had. I had such a good time in Thailand with the Mather House, but then why did I need to get punished for being happy? Isn’t that allowed anymore? I hated myself for being weak, for letting that guy do what he did to me. I tried to forget about it in Canada during the ski trip. Though to be honest, the fact that I learned he was also there and had attacked other girls just made me panic more. How could he still run around freely? Did he have no conscious? Of course, he didn’t. Guys like him don’t have conscious, they only think about destroying and ruining the lives of other people. It disgusted me. Now, we were anyway back in Cambridge and he was still running around freely. Did the police do nothing about the situation? Did they actually seek for justice? I hadn’t really spoken to anybody about it and I didn’t really want to. Not talking made it seem less real, as if it was still all a nightmare, though it wasn’t one. The bruises that were finally leaving my neck reminded me everyday that all of this was real. I anyway had to go to the hospital today to get checked up. I hated it, I hated the hospital. They would tell me that I was fine, that the bruises were healing up really well and that I shouldn’t have anymore soon. As if I didn’t know that but the nightmares and the panic attacks they weren’t going to go away. My head wasn’t going to be fine and I couldn’t even let anybody touch me without being afraid. I knew just too well how that would end. I tried to push all the bad thoughts away for the time being. Sitting in the exam room, I waited until a doctor would come. The nurse said it wasn’t going to take long. I really hoped as I hated hospital, especially this one. I constantly reminded me of the day I gave birth, where I nearly lost my children and my own life. I wish I never had to come back to this place, I just didn’t have a choice I guess.

When it is not illness that comes to my life to ruin it, it's love problems. It's been a year and an half since I love Leandra. I truly think we are meant to be. The only problem between us, is this Dunster's president, that asshole she likes so much. Her "best friend" as she calls him, but all I can see in that guy is not her best friend, but her ex boyfriend. I just can't understand. How your ex boyfriend can become your best friend? It wouldn't be such a problem if they had not kissed almost a year ago but they did. And now, if I ask her to choose, she prefers to choose Jasper. So how am I suppose to react? Yes, I'm jealous. Yes, I hate him. Yes, I don't want him in our life, in her life. But apparently, I have to live with that and it's just too difficult. This week, Leandra is in a trip to Paris with the Dunsters, with...Jasper. And it kills me to know she's out there. But i'm trying not to think about it. Not to think about her. I have to work if I want to success my medicine year. In January, I'm working to the hospital. After my medicine graduation, I would like to work in the pediatric or obstetrical service so they are trying to teach me here a lot of things about this. Today is a day like any other one. I am coming back from a break and I see Feldt in the waiting room. I know her, not a lot, but I know her. Besides, we are both Mathers. I hesitate, but I can't control myself and come into the waiting room. I smile and get closer to her. "Hey" If she is here, that's because something is wrong about her and I wonder what. "What are you doing here?"

You know when your life is so bad it just looks like a crappy soap? Yeah, well that was my life. I really wandered how I ended up in this bad film, because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I hated it, this nightmare version of life. I wanted it to end but not in that way. I wasn’t depressed enough to finish it off with my life, and I probably never would be. I knew what it was growing up without parents and I would never wish that for my children, nor for anybody child. The system was bad, was it back then or now, I didn’t want to leave my twins alone and thus I continued to fight, to wake up every morning in a hope that my life would get better. Though, I think it never will. Once you’re in that devil circle, you never get out. I’m probably stuck in this hell for a very long time. I wasn’t sure how I could forget, how I could move on from what happened, and to be honest, being in this hospital to check on my wounds didn’t help it. Completely lost in my thoughts, I didn’t notice that somebody had approached. I was only when I heard a voice that I raised my head to see Jude. I knew him a bit. He was a Mather and a friend from Briony or his cousin. I couldn’t quite remember. “Oh hey…” He asked me what is doing here and I made me a bit uncomfortable, so I started fidgeting with my hands. “Euhm, I’m just here to do some check ups.” Which known of my heart condition could have been true, but that wasn’t why I was here. I just didn’t want to talk about.

hj ; desolée pour le retard

I feel useful here. And it feels good. So damned good. It is the point of being a doctor. Well, I'm not really a doctor yet, but I will be. I mean.. in like two years, I'll finish my medicine studies and I will be able to work by myself. And I can't wait to feel useful everyday. Because when you are in studies, you are not always in the hospital. I still have courses I need to take. I am half of the year in courses and the other half at the hospital, and I prefer to be at the hospital. It is during this time that I feel I belong here. To help people. I know what it is to be sick. To be hopeless. I mean.. I have cancer. Well, for now, it is cured, but it can come back anytime and I am almost sure it will come back because you are never completely cured of blood cancer. If I can be that person who gives hope, that person who cure all these people who need it well.. that would make me happy, really. When I see Feldt here, I worry. Because if she is here, it is because she is one of these people that I want to help. So I go towards her to ask her what she is doing here. And I immediately see how much my question makes her feel uncomfortable which makes me wonder how bad the answer is. “Euhm, I’m just here to do some check ups.” I grimace and look at her, « I know what it is. Check ups. I need to do them every month since I am a kid because of my leukemia.  » But suddenly, I stay quiet. What kind of check ups? I think I knew she had health problems but.. we are in the gynecology's service. And when I think about how uncomfortable she was when I asked the question.. well. I don't know. I feel like it is not a random check up she is going to do. « Are you.. sure everything's okay? » I have a bad feeling. At medicine school, we learn to understand the patient's attitude to know when they are lying to us or not because believe it or not, patients are always lying to doctors which is so ridiculous. « I'm sorry I.. don't want to make you fell uncomfortable but.. I have just the feeling that.. it is not little random check ups.. am I right? »

I wasn’t completely immune to hospital visits. Ever since my pregnancy and the complications that came with it, I had to have my heart monitored from time to time. Stress was not a good factor for me and this I tried avoiding it the more I could. In addition, to what happened in June with Andy, I had to take care with my health. I did, or at least I tried. I came generally every 6 months to have my heart checked. However, now it was a lot more. The two weeks in Canada had been for me a sort of break from the hospital and it did me good. I tried to keep my head high, to stay strong for my children. Yet when I looked myself in the miroir, I usually only saw disgust towards myself. The marks on my neck, on my inner-thighs and my wrists were just a constant reminder of what had happened. My heart would never be the same. Yes it would heel. I would heel, but the memories and the fear would never leave me. I couldn’t even trust anymore the people I used to love, that I still love. I hated myself for being weak, for being in pain. I wanted the pain to leave me alone and I certainly did not want to talk about it. « I know what it is. Check ups. I need to do them every month since I am a kid because of my leukemia.  » I didn’t know that Jude had leukaemia. I never knew anybody who had it and I couldn’t understand what it must be. I had been healthy most of my life. I didn’t feel pity or anything for him, just sorry because it was sad. "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope, you're alright." I really didn't know what to answer to that. He was a nice guy from what I knew and his life is probably shortened because of this disease. « Are you.. sure everything's okay? » I didn’t like this question. I wasn’t okay. I was very far from okay and I hated to admit it. I just kept nodding. It was a good thing that my scarf was hiding the bruises on my neck and my coat those on my arm. “Yeah all is fine. Thanks for asking.” I was good at lying, at pretending everything was ok when it wasn’t. However, I think Jude as doctor knew when patients were lying. « I'm sorry I.. don't want to make you fell uncomfortable but.. I have just the feeling that.. it is not little random check ups.. am I right? » I looked at my hands. Did I really want to answer this? Did I really want anybody to know? “No, it’s just a routine check-up, cause of my pregnancy, I need to go quite often.” Having had a complicated pregnancy helped me a bit to answer that question, even though this was not the reason I had to see my gynaecologist.

I can see the look in people's eyes. I know it because I know that look, I had that look. When you feel like everything around you is falling appart. Everything and everyone. That's ironic, isn't it? Someone like me who have known sickness, pain and loss. So many painful feelings for one short life as mine. I am 25 years old I am an orphelin who has cancer and two kids. And here I am. In the hospital. I want to be a doctor and to see other's people pain, as if mine is not enough. And today, I feel like Feldt has this pain. I don't want to be intrusive or too curious, but I can't help myself. I need to feel myself useful. "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope, you're alright." I shrug and smile, « Yeah I'm.. kind of alright. I'm used to it. »  Used to the monthly check ups at the hospital, used to the medicine I take everyday. We learn to live with it, especially when you have cancer since you are a kid. “Yeah all is fine. Thanks for asking.” I don't know why, but there is something here that intrigue me. As if my doctor senses are alarming me that she is lying. However, I can't force her to talk to me if there is really something wrong.  “No, it’s just a routine check-up, cause of my pregnancy, I need to go quite often.” I look at her. She looks a bit anxious but I'm not sure about it. « Oh yeah, I remember I helped you this summer. How was it? » , I ask. « I mean.. the delivery? Is it a girl or a boy? »

I’m pretty good at lying, or at least I think I am. I am good at hiding my feelings, at pretending that everything is ok. I’ve always been. I have built a wall that would let me hide my feelings in order to protect myself from the outside, from this harsh world. I’d rather been seen as cold and unfriendly as somebody naive and that can easily be made a fool off. I hated it, been made a fool off. I hated even more when people pretended to be nice to me just to break me afterwards. The system broke me, it wasn’t just my parents’ death that killed me from the inside, it was everything. I used to be a rather happy, outgoing and naive kid, I made friends pretty easily. However, once I had experience the horror of life, I changed completely making a 180 turn in my personality, hiding behind this wall I built. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t want to ever feel the pain of losing the people I loved, so I became ice cold. That’s how I could hide my feelings, I could lie about being ok when it wasn’t the case. I’ve always had this facade. I wanted to be strong. I hated being weak, because I was the most vulnerable when I was weak and let’s be honest, nobody wants to be weak. I’ve faced hardship, I’ve faced lost, I’ve faced treason but I never actually faced the humiliation of that day. I always thought that whatever happened I could survive. I survived the birth of my twins, I survived twice a heart attack. I could face this. I wouldn’t let myself be dragged down into the darkness. But that was a lie. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with this. I couldn’t even talk to anybody normally without being scared. I hid once again behind my wall that was slowly starting to crumble into peace. Soon all my world would shatter. This person, he broke me, he broke me worse then Wyatt, then Elios, then Andy, then Alexander, then Hendrix’s death. This guy he broke me to a matter of no repair. I guess that soon I will need to face the consequences of my wall, of my ice cold heart. However, I wondered in front of whom I would break.
I was talking with Jude, while waiting for my appointment. He was a nice guy. He helped me during my pregnancy at the Summer Camp. He opened up to me about his leukaemia. I thought that it was brave to talk to somebody you barely knew about something that personal. I could never do that. I didn’t have enough trust in people for that. That’s why i talked about my pregnancy. It was no secret that I had been pregnant, that the father was an Eliot. We had been a couple for a few months so I mean, it’s not like I could lie about it or anything. It was a fact. “Actually it’s both. I got twins, a boy and a girl, but it wasn’t easy. I delivered two months early and there were a lot of complications. That’s why I’m here and well because of what happened at the Mather Party Hard where Andy kind of decided to go all berserker on me and killed my unborn child. But yeah, I’m not so lucky I think when it comes to pregnancies, or anything I guess.” I answered. It wasn’t either a secret that my best-friends ex had beaten the shit out of me, though nobody knew I was pregnant. It used to be mine and James’ secrets but it felt good saying it out loud to somebody else. Talking about that took me mind of the other thing, the real reason I was here.

hj; j'suis super mega désolée pour le pavé. j'étais trop inspirée

As a future doctor, I have to be a good listener. I know a lot of doctors donc't listen their patient enough, and I think it's a bad thing. A good doctor shouldn't just cure their patients. They should be there for them, because being ill is not something easy. Of course, it depends on which kind of illness you have. I mean, you don't need to be a psychologist for someone who only have a cold. But i know that, for "cancer people" (if I can call them like this), listening to them, listening to what they feel and what they need is really important. I'm a very patient person. I know I don't look like it when we only know "Jude the fighter", but I am. And I'm learning to be a good listener everyday at my medicine school. So here I am, trying to understand why I have this feeling that Feldt is not quite okay like she pretended to be. “Actually it’s both. I got twins, a boy and a girl, but it wasn’t easy. I delivered two months early and there were a lot of complications. That’s why I’m here and well because of what happened at the Mather Party Hard where Andy kind of decided to go all berserker on me and killed my unborn child. But yeah, I’m not so lucky I think when it comes to pregnancies, or anything I guess.” I grimace and shake my head, « Andy, that asshole, we should have done a party when he left to celebrate the departure of this jurk. »  Oh nooo I don't miss that guy. « I didn't know he attacked you that night.  » I smile and try to imagine the twins. I have never seen a twins delivery yet but I hope I will have the occasion to. « I guess it hasn't been easy to have two kids at the same time. Are they okay? What's their names? I hope I'll have the occasion to see them once! »

hj; pas grave Ö Désolée de pas pouvoir te suivre

I loved my kids, more than anything. They were my angels, my hope, my reason to continue fighting. I think, if it wasn’t for them, I would have long given up. I would have probably totally given up after Wyatt cheated on me. My depression would have been a lot worse than that. The same when Elios left me paralysed in a hospital bed in Tokyo last years. If it hadn’t been for Gaia and Hermes, I would long have left everything behind. I don’t know what would have happened to me if they hadn’t been in my life. I might have gone back to Japan for my master’s and stayed there, getting back the life I yearned for. I don’t know and I actually don’t want to know. I’m happy. Or I’m my kind of happy. I have what I need and even if my nightmares continue, I’ll also keep going because I have a family to care for, and I cannot leave them behind. I know what it was growing up without parents, that hole you have, and the way the system breaks you. I don’t want that for my kids, nor would I wish it for any kid. I guess that’s what is maternal instinct. I never really cared much about that sort of stuff. I tried to do my best for my twins and even if I was killing myself in the process. “Yeah, I kind of pushed him to a limit but I never thought he would get physically violent. I ended up in the hospital with a lot of bruises and feeling awful.” To be honest, if I ever saw that guy again somewhere near me, I would call the police. He still had a restriction warrant towards me so I guess that is useful. I wouldn’t be able to do anything to me for the time being. I liked talking with Jude. He was nice, and he wasn’t pushy like some people. “Sometimes it’s really hard but I get help from a nanny and my kind-of-dad, it’s a bit complicated helps out when it’s exam period. On the other side, seeing there smile everyday is what keeps me going, so I don’t think so much about the hardship of raising twins. It’s Gaia and Hermes.” I felt a bit bad babbling about my life and everything. I was probably keeping him from his job. “I’m really sorry for talking so much. I hope I’m not causing you any problems with your job.”