i knew all about mothers falling in love with their babies once they’re born, unfortunately i still can’t relate for now. hopefully, if i do end up pregnant, i’ll feel that way the day i will give birth, but for now i’ll just stick to feeling confused about the whole situation. my love for my work and my career was a lot stronger since it was a promise i made to myself years ago, to become a doctor my father would be proud of, to become the doctor my brother should’ve been if he was still alive. i needed to achieve this dream first before i could ever think about living my life any differently from what i had planned. “i mean… my parents are not monsters. i had an okay childhood, but they were just more absorbed into their own world than our family. and i have to admit, the fact that i am freaking about about my residency kind of… makes me wonder if i’ll end up just like them? prioritizing my job instead of my baby?” my hands play nervously with the hem of my shirt before i let go of it completely, listening to your next words very carefully. i know the option of abortion was available, but i also knew deep down inside of me it would never be a choice i could make. not at my age, not with sung’s baby. no matter how devoted to my work i was, no matter if i do end up doing it on my own, i could never thing about giving up a baby. it was a choice i’ve always respected from other women, but thinking about it now, i could never bring myself to do it, at least not without talking about it with my boyfriend. i nod slowly, understanding what the choices offered to me were, but i let out a small sigh as i lift my head up to look at jude. “if it’s positive… i’d like to keep the baby.” i announce with a small hesitation, knowing how difficult everything will get if i am pregnant for the rest of my internship. “i-… just promise me you won’t treat me differently during the residency if-… if i’m pregnant.” still weird to get those words out of my mouth. my eyes travel to the clock in the corner, looking nervously as time passes by, wondering how much longer i’ll have to wait until the results are out. i lower my eyes back to my fidgeting hands, unable to stop them from moving. “i’d hate to feel like i get a special treatment.” that was important for me, to make sure i know i have done my best to get where i want, to know i have done everything possible just to  achieve my dreams.

I know a lot of people are obsessed with he idea of being different from their parents. I get it, especially when you had a bad childhood but what they usually don't understand is that when you worry about that, it means you are conscious of the mistake they made and you are going to do everything in your power to avoid that. I listen to her and noid, smiling a little bit as I watch her ask herself so many questions. "At this point, you're not prioritizing anything" I mean, we don't know if she's pregnant yet and she already worries about that kind of stuff. "I'm not gonna lie, finding a good balance isn't easy. But you look like a responsible and smart woman. You'll figure it out" And by listening her, I'm almost sure of that. I talk to her about her different options, although she obviously already knows them, I have to do it. I'm not talking with her as her friend or her boss but as her doctor. She doesn't seem totally convinced about what she just said: keeping the baby but the fact that her first answer is to keep it shows she cares about the matter. I follow her eyes watching the clock and nod, lying back to my chair as I cross my legs under the desk. "You won't have any special treatment, I can guarantee you that" I smile and stare at her silently a few seconds before adding, "But you also have to promise me something" I straighten on my chair and add again, "If you need anything. A doctor's appointment, or even when the baby's here, if you have any issue with daycare or anything like that. Promise me you'll let me know. You won't have any special treatment but it doesn't mean I shouldn't be understandable. Med studies are hard enough and my goal is for my students to succeed and be the best doctors possible so I shouldn't put sticks in the wheels." And about an hour after I submitted the tests, the lab calls to me say they have the results. I listen to them, nod sometimes and I hang up, looking at the very stressed Yeong-Suk seated in front of me. I stand up and go seat next to her, not really knowing how to bring the news. "They got the results" She probably figured it out but whatever. I take a deep breath and say, "Not sure I should say congratulations but.. it's positive" And I can say congrats if she'd like me to.