years spent in med school only to end up rushing over here in panic. i’m freaking out really badly because i know exactly what’s happening, but i’m in complete denial. i don’t want any of it to be real, it has to be some sort of joke, maybe my body’s just tired from all the overtime i did at the hospital lately, right? maybe i was too stressed during the winter storm and it took a toll on my body? with so many maybes and possibilities, that’s how i know that all of this is just wishful thinking. i’m an intern for god’s sake, i know the subtle hints, the changes i’ve been seeing, but my head is in denial no matter how many times i end up with the same result after overthinking. so i did the only thing i could think about, i dropped by without notice, freaking out at the receptionist while asking to see you. not the best way to give a good impression when i’m trying to secure a residency at the clinic next year, but i was beyond rational that at this point. i just needed answers, and i needed you to give them to me. “dr. montgomery!” finally alone in your office, and now i realize how out of breath i sound. i stare at you, wondering how angry you’d be that i came over without an actual appointment. i know how precious time is for doctors. “i’m sorry i just… i didn’t know where else to go.” i swallow dryly as i look down at my joined hands on my laps, trying to find my words. “i need your help.” i look up at you, feeling a little helpless. i wasn’t ready for this, it was never part of the plan. ever. “can you do a blood test for me? for hmm... pregnancy…?” there it is. i said it, barely above a little whisper, i said those much dreaded words, making my little fear more true, a tiny step towards a reality i was desperately trying to avoid. my eyes are begging for guidance, which is probably really bad coming from an intern trying to get a job here, but i’m lost. i am confused and scared in a situation i’ve never faced before and the first person i thought of seeking help to is you, but don’t ask me why. “please?” i ask as my voice cracks a little.

I've talked about this clinic for years now. I knew how much of a challenge it would be, but I never imagined it would take away so much energy. It's pretty obvious, when you think about it. I didn't want to only be the clinic's director, I also wanted to keep practicing my job. Because I've been a pediatrician for over a year and a half and I didn't want to give it up. I love my job and I love that.I helped so many people, especially when it comes to poor families that can't afford medical help because our country is totally fucked up on the subject. It's only been 6 months now and I feel like I helped so many people in such a short amount of time. I'm proud. I'm really proud and I know all my efforts aren't in vain. Nothing is really exciting in my personal life so the clinic and my children are kind of all I have. When my children are with their mom, I spend way much more time at the clinic and even if I'm told it's not a good idea, I don't really care. Working on papers isn't the funniest, but it needs to be done and I'm handling some boring stuff when Yeong-Suk comes in suddenly. We met a few weeks ago and I approved for her to do her residency in here. There are a lot of interns and residents in here and I'm so glad they all choose to learn in my clinic. I hope I'll be able to pass along the fire that burns in my eyes when I talk about my job, I hope they'll think about how unfair the medical world is to some unlucky folks out there and I hope they'll want to help as much as I do. "Miss Chung" I stand up and look at her, worried. She doesn't look good at all and I'm wondering what's going on. I nod when she apologies and says she needs my help. I move towards her and ask, "Of course, anything. But first: are you okay?" She looks completely lost and even though I have no idea what she wants, I know I'll do my best to help because that's how I am. I sometimes think more about others than myself which is.. a quality and problem. She finally asks about doing a blood test for pregnancy and now, I get it. It was almost ten years ago when Samara, a random girl I had sex with once came to my room and told me she was pregnant. I was a med student, I had alcohol and drug issues.. clearly, I wasn't ready for this. But look at me now. 31, dad of 2 and a doctor on the top of all. "Yeah, for sure. Follow me" I wave at her to follow me and I open my office's door to walk though the corridor. I ask the receptionist which consultation room is free and go to the number four. I open the door, let Yeong-Suk enter and close it behind me. "Alright, there's no need to panic here, okay? We're going to figure this out and if this is positive, you have options" Options she can review here, at the clinic. I let her seat on the consultation table and open a closet with supplies to look for a needle. "When were your last periods?" Weird question when you know I'll be her boss in about six months but right now, she's the patient and I'm the doctor.

obviously you will ask that question. i’m used to it, it’s what we are trained to do, constantly worrying about others and their well-being. i should’ve been prepared to answer it, a simple “yes i’m okay” but i’m not the best liar. actually, it’s not just the lie that wouldn’t come out, but words, stuck inside my throat and threatening to choke me up. i can’t speak, it won’t come out and it makes me even more panicked than i already was. i need to breathe, in and out, slowly, just to be able to finally ask what i came here for: a pregnancy test. sure i work at the hospital and i could’ve easily asked anyone there to draw some blood and run the test, but something didn’t feel right. the hospital was kind of like a safe place for me, where i would go to help out others, never to seek help for myself. i couldn’t possibly be a patient in my own little kingdom, it was wrong and it just made me sicker to think about the fact i might be pregnant. so i came to the next best place i could think of, to this wonderful little clinic of yours which i was hoping would also be my home for the next few years. i follow you silently to the consultation room, too numb with fear to even say anything. options, right. i stare blankly at you as you get the supplies ready, and finally you ask a question that i couldn’t avoid answering. “started december 13th and ended on the 17th…” yes, it was a while ago but i got distracted. christmas came, new years, the winter storm, and then i was so focused on getting back on my daily routine that i didn’t realize i missed my last periods. i roll up my sleeve to help you out, i know the drill, and i’m a good patient, if we forget my little freak out earlier at the receptionist. i bite my lower lip as i feel the needle go in, not that i am scared or hurt, but i’m anxious about the result this sample of blood will bring. “i’m usually very regular.” which is true, but i’ve also always been single and i guess getting a boyfriend for the first time in over ten years was too distracting. i put a little pressure on the cotton ball once you’re done, and somehow i feel a little less panicky. i guess the fact that it was done and all i had to do was wait for the result calmed me down a bit, but i still continue to nervously bite my lower lip. “what… about my residency?” the question that’s been burning in my head since i had doubts about a pregnancy. because everyone that knows me, knows how much i care about my career. i had goals in mind, a plan set out for the next few years, and a baby? that was definitely not part of it. i looked irresponsible enough to forget to monitor my periods, and i looked like a mess trying to handle this situation, so i was worried this might affect my residency for this upcoming summer. who would want to hire a doctor like me? not even finished with my internship and i'm causing trouble already.

This is obviously something we learn in med school - being empathic, always ask the patient how they feel. But even without all of it, I am an empathic person. This is why I love my job and why I left several times to help Doctors Without Borders. I've seen so many women totally freaked out by their pregnancy, I'm kind of used to it. I know the overwhelming feeling, when you think everything around you is collapsing and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I felt it a lot in my life so I'm nobody to judge the panic that comes from her when she talks about a pregnancy test. For a lot of people, being pregnant when you're still at school is unthinkable. I get it. Med school is hard enough. Having a baby is also hard enough. Doing the two of them at the same time is even more challenging. But it's possible. Hard, but possible. I do the maths in my head when she tells me her last periods were from December 13th to 17th. I could have winced, because the math is pretty obvious. She's late. Very late. I turn around with everything I need and place the needle and the collecting blood tubes on the tray next to the consultation table. "I see, it's been a while now. Did you take a test?" We both know pregnancy tests aren't completely reliable, but they can help to have a good idea of the situation. Of course, with her last periods being more than a month and a half ago, there's a good chance she's pregnant but you never know. Some women stop having their periods for months and then, it suddenly comes back for no reason. The human's body is a very complex and strange system. I roll her shirt's sleeve up and look at her when she asks about her residency. I frown and ask, "What about it?" I take the chair next to me and place it in front of her to seat. I smile at her and say, "You know, I was 23 when a girl I didn't know and hooked up with only once came to me to tell me she was pregnant. I was really, really not ready and at the time, I couldn't even take care of myself so.. a baby?" I raise my shoulders and add, "A month after my son was born, she left him on my doorstep with a letter to explain she wasn't ready for this and she was sorry. I was 23, I had serious issues and I was suddenly a single dad med school student. So if you're pregnant and if you want to keep the baby, we'll figure it out. I won't take away the residency and you'll be great at it. Okay?" I was really not the person I am today when I found Aaron at my doorstep 9 years ago. I know I can be super comforting and reassuring now, which is great when you're a doctor and which is even more helpful when you help kids like I do. I don't want her to be afraid, and I don't want her to think her life is being ruined. I thought that too when I found out that Samara was pregnant but today, I know my son is one of the best things that happened to me in my twenties.

i shake my head as a small sigh escapes from my lips. “no, i didn’t… i’d rather just anxiously wait for one result that’s precise.” i don’t think i would’ve been able to handle it, squatting over a stick in my bathroom and wait in a deafening silence on my own. i know i could’ve told sung about my doubts, i’m sure he would’ve handled the situation in a much calmer way, but he was at school, and i had a day off. i didn’t want to disturb his studies, especially after the storm and with his broken arm, i didn’t want to worry him for nothing, if this was actually nothing. although i’m sure you and i both know what the probabilities of the result might definitely be. i voice my concern over the residency that’s waiting for me in a few months, and listen carefully to your story. to say i’m surprised is an understatement. as you speak, i become more and more in awe of you and your career. how you overcame everything and now run your own clinic, it sounds like a dream i would never dare to dream. i have goals, but i never dreamed about doing anything this big. all i ever wanted was to help others, like you’re helping me right now. “okay. thank you, dr. montgomery.” i can’t seem to be able to say anything else really. “for what it’s worth, if i do end up positive, i promise i’ll still work my ass off even with a 9 month old baby threatening to come out any minute?” i wince at my words as my cheeks warm up a nice shade of red. i can’t wrap my head about it yet, so it’s too weird to even say it out loud, even as a joke. i look down at my arm, then back at the little blood sample. i know it takes up to a few hours for the results to come when you do an in-house blood test for pregnancy, unlike a urine test that only takes a few minutes, but i only wanted the accuracy. “can i wait here until you have the results?” impossible for me to get out of here without my answer, i’d go mad overthinking everything. i’m not alone in this situation, i know i could call up sung and tell him what’s happening, but i’m doing this on my own, like i’ve done most of everything before he walked into my life. he’ll know when i’m one hundred percent certain about what we might be getting ourselves into. “i can sit in the waiting room with you want, i don’t want to take up too much of your time.” always worrying about others first, and a little part of me feels guilty about using your time for such a trivial thing.

I used to be very shy about my own story, because it's not a glamorous one. When you see my Harvard diploma on my office's wall, you can easily make up some crazy things about me and my past and I understand that. Harvard is probably the best university in the world, always ranked in the top 5 every single year and you can think that only a 'son of' can get into such a prestigious university but it's not the case and all Harvard students know a lot of us worked very hard to get into that school. If I had to describe my twenties, the words I'd choose wouldn't be that glamorous. They would be : death, scary, addiction, love and disappointment. The story I told miss Chung is true, of course, but there's so much more to it. In addition to be a drug addict single dad studying medicine, I was also sick. And I still am because unfortunately, we still haven't figured out a way to heal leukemia. Diagnosed when I was only six, I've lived with the tests, treatments and surgeries for most of my life now. But looking back at who I used to be ten years ago and who I am now... I feel proud. And that's why I share my story, especially if it can calm down patients or even young students like the one seating in front of me, waiting nervously for me to take the blood samples. I laugh when she says she'll keep working until the end of her pregnancy, "I swear I won't let you work until your ninth month, if this is positive I want you and the baby to stay safe" And I really mean it. We'll figure out a way for her to catch up after she delivers the baby. I take a finale sample and take off the elastic around her arm to let the blood move again and start putting labels in each one of them. I smile and nod when she asks if she can stay. "Oh course you can stay" I stand up and take the samples, "Go back to my office, okay? I'm going to give this to the lab and I'll meet you there" And if she thinks she bothers me, she's wrong. I get out of the consultation room and go to the lab, asking the staff there to run some tests on these as soon as possible before going back to my office to meet Yeong-Suk there. "Hopefully; it shouldn't take too long" I sit on my chair and look at her, "How are you feeling? About all of this?" Of course, if she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't have to. But I really feel like I need to ask because she looked very, very freaked out when she came into my office earlier.

i struggle to keep my mouth shut as you refuse to let me work until i give birth in the middle of the clinic. it’s probably the safest thing to do, i know how important it is for a mother to rest before giving birth or else it might lead to complications, but a part of me doesn’t want to do it. the resting, i mean. all i’ve known for the past ten years what to always work my ass off, to give my 110% and never stop. i haven’t been back to south korea since i arrived ten years ago, and i have barely taken any real vacation since then too. most of my free time used to be spent indoors, studying, practicing, working. only recently have i gotten a little thing for travelling, because my three days in miami with sung was only the beginning of it. new york city was a blast if not for the snow that locked us in at the end of the trip, but now i was looking forward to our spring break trip. well, i least i was looking forward to it, now i’m not too sure how i feel about it. “thank you, yes i’ll go now.” i make my way out of the consultation room and back into the office before letting out a long breath i didn’t know i was holding as i sit down. my nerves are all over the place, i can’t remember the last time i was this nervous. i’ve always been confident at work and at school, i barely ever stressed before looking at my grades or anything. my attention goes back to you as you come into the room. “great, i don’t know how long i can wait.” i’d rather get this over with and know the truth, although i suspect i kind of already do know it. “i’m… anxious. i… i never planned to have a baby. ever.” but to be fair, i also never planned to fall in love with anyone since i used to be too scared to even let a man touch me. i sigh as i comb my fingers through my hair nervously. “it’s just… we’ve been careful, i literally did it for the first time in my life on christmas day and now…” i let out a shaky laugh as i realize i just told my future boss i lost my virginity at christmas, but it doesn’t matter at this point. “… and now i might be pregnant? did… did i make a christmas baby?” i think i might be losing my mind now, because the thought of a baby conceived on christmas day was the funniest thing every. especially considering the fact that i remember quite well the cheerleader’s outfit i wore to wake up sung for his “gift”. oh god, the stories this would make. my eyes go up to yours as i have a horrified look on my face. "oh god that would make me 6 weeks pregnant already!"

I know these kind of women. I know them, because I've been in love with one for the last 8 years. Leandra has always been this kind of woman who wants it all and who would do everything she can to have it, no matter what it takes. Her strength and determination inspired me and that's how I ended up being so confident that I filed the city's contest with my idea of this clinic in the first place. When she met me, I was a drug addict, I drunk way too much, I just got a baby and was struggling being a good dad and most of all, I was a complete failure. So when Yeong-Suk tells me she wants to keep working until the baby comes, I understand very clearly what kind of woman she is. I meet her back to my office, close the door after me and sit on my chair. It's a good excuse to push my paperwork for later. I look at my clock and say, "It can take an hour or two. I asked them to do it as quickly as possible" She is obviously very anxious and I get that. I know there's nothing I can say that will help her relax. She needs these results and hopefully, she'll get them fast. I'm a bit surprised to hear she had her first sexual experience last Christmas and that's really bad luck to get pregnant on her first time. I straight myself up and shake my head, "Let's not jump into conclusions, okay?" I lightly smile at her and say, "I know it's very easy for me to tell you this but there's really no need to panic. Just take a deep breath" I close some of the files on my desk and ask, "I feel like it's not very appropriate to ask but let's say I'm your doctor here, not your boss, okay?" I smile at her, I really want her to feel comfortable. "Do you want children? Not necessarily now but was it on your life plan to have some?" Because if that's the case, it's just a bit early that expected but at least she wanted some in the first place.

i let out a sigh, nervously fidgeting with my hands as i let it sink it; an hour or two of waiting, of wondering if maybe this was just a big mistake, a misunderstanding of my own body that might have started to act up but maybe i wasn’t pregnant. a little far fetched, but the body sometimes has a mind of its own and i have seen many different cases during my internship years so the possibility was still not out until the pregnancy is confirmed. i take a deep breath as told, trying to play the nice and not bother you too much but it’s well known that doctors make the worst patients. i try to keep my anxiety level down, concentrating on your words to distract me from my thoughts before blushing a little at the question. “okay…” and as expected, my cheeks get a darker shade of red at the following questions, knowing very well i have to finally say the truth out loud. pondering about what the real truth for a moment, i gather all the aspects of my life to find whether or not the reason i never wanted to have children had anything to do with my past. i’m good with babies, love children that behave properly but having some of my own always seemed like the craziest and scariest idea in the world. “i don’t know.” i answer truthfuly after a while, chewing my words carefully as i say that. “i never planned on having any children. my.. image of a family has always been sort of distorted and a little toxic…” having parents caring more about their image than their own kids was a messed up way of growing up, and the trauma of losing my brother was even harder on me after seeing my parents only caring about burying the secret of real cause of his death, scared that tabloids would expose that they were so busy in their own world that they never knew about the abuse i was living right under their noses. “…but i guess i also never thought or planned on having any children because i never thought i’d meet someone i would ever end up trusting like i trust him.” i rub my hands on my arms, biting my lower lip as i think about the relationship i have developed with sung throughout the past few months, remembering how he went from the drunk annoying cry baby to the best boyfriend i could’ve ever asked for. “i think… i would like to have children if i don’t have to do it alone.” because i know very well how badly i used to take care of myself until i met him, all those sleepless nights and barely feeding myself properly.

When I ask her the question, I know the answer isn't that simple. I can't remember how many women I've seen who didn't want any children at first, but who fell in love with their baby as soon as they met him or her. Even with my own experience, I know it's not that easy. When I met Leandra, she hated children but after a year, she learnt to love Aaron and now, he calls her mom. When she got pregnant with Riley, she didn't want to keep her because she felt like she wouldn't be a good mom. Even throughout the pregnancy, she kept saying she wouldn't be able to love our baby... Today, she's the most wonderful mother my children could have imagined having and I'm proud that she's the mother of my children. Sometimes, a woman doesn't feel like she would be a good mom, she doesn't feel like she wants to have a baby but as soon as it happens, everything changes. Of course, there are some exceptions to that and it's hard to know when a women is going one of them. My question seems to trouble Yeong-Suk a little but after a few minutes, she manages to answer something completely coherent, something I was expecting. I can't help but smile when she talks about the potential father of the baby. She loves and trust him. That's a good thing if the test ends up positive. "Sometimes, you think you don't really want to have some but when it happens, it's the most beautiful thing in the world" I raise my shoulders and add, "Doing it alone is really terrifying, that's for sure but it doesn't mean you'd be alone until the end" I am the proof of that. I've been alone raising Aaron for a few months before I met Leandra. "I know we learn in our psychology classes that we are more likely to reproduce our parent's mistakes but that's not an absolute truth. The fact that you are scared to be like them shows that you won't do the same mistakes" Because people who reproduce their family's mistakes are usually not aware of it. I join my hands and look at her, "Of course, if the test is positive and you decide not to keep the baby, you can do it safely at the clinic. If you feel like keeping it is not the right thing to do for you right now, you should listen to your instinct." I know I have a very keep the baby speech when I talk about it but I want her to know that it's ok if she doesn't want to keep it. It's her life, her body, her choice and nobody should judge her for that. I made sure the clinic was a safe place even for women who want an abortion.